Last week you read about “My Guys,” a 25-man roster of my favorite guys in baseball for one reason or another, ala Joe Sheehan from Baseball Prospectus. So, since you know about my favorite players, I thought it would be fun to make a list of my least favorite players in baseball. The rules are the same as “My Guys,” meaning that my bench can be made up of guys who normally start and my outfield doesn’t have to be a left fielder, a center fielder and a right fielder. Again, the only rule I’m setting for myself is that I have to list 5 starters and 6 relievers, not just 11 pitchers. Here goes nothing…
C: A.J. Pierzynski. He’s just a prick. What more can you say? Sure, he’s a decent hitter, especially for a catcher, but I draw the line at kneeing your trainer in the crotch and alienating your own teammates.
1B: Doug Mientkiewicz. I didn’t mind Mientkiewicz until he pulled that crap with the World Series ball. I actually kind of liked the guy. I liked his defense and the fact that he doesn’t wear batting gloves, but I thought that ordeal was pretty lame. Perhaps it was blown out of proportion, but the point is that it shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place. Hey Doug: the Red Sox waited 86 years for a World Series; you only waited 30! Aside from the greatest satisfaction and accomplishment in sports, the Sox are giving you an awesome ring, and you’re arguing about a silly ball? Please! Not only that, but Mientkiewicz told Sports Weekly that the Twins/White Sox rivalry is just as intense as the Red Sox/Yankees, but without the media hype. So, he’s selfish and stupid. Great combo.
2B: Luis Rivas. I don’t have anything against the Minnesota Twins, I swear! I don’t hate Rivas as much as Aaron Gleeman, but Luis is pretty pathetic! As a career .262/.307/.388 hitter, it’s surprising that any team is willing to pay him $1.6 million, especially a team that is usually pretty smart (and frugal), like the Twins.
3B: Alex Rodriguez. Do I even have to explain myself? Yes, he’s a great player, maybe one of the best I’ll ever see. But, it doesn’t matter when you’re such a bitch, like A-Rod. I don’t wish any personal harm or anything to the guy (nor do I for anyone on this list), but I will say that I hope he never wins a World Series. Because he was always whining and complaing about wanting to play for a winning team, that would be pretty sweet. Unlikely, but sweet. As a side note, in his awful deodorant commercial, is it just me, or do the lights at the end look like they spell E5? Hmm…
SS: Derek Jeter. Another hated player that I share with Gleeman (and a ton of other people!). When making this list, Jeter and A-Rod were the first two guys I wrote down. Like A-Rod, I’ll admit that, yes, Jeter is a great player. However, he gets WAY too much credit for things that he doesn’t do very well (such as defense), and things that can’t be measured (such as being “clutch” and showing leadership). There isn’t one baseball message board on the internet that doesn’t have lame Yankees’ fans falling over and gushing about their beloved “DJ.” On top of that, the guy has dated some serious babes, including Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Anna Kournikova, Lara Dutta, Jordanna Brewster & Vanessa Minnillo. And just think…those are just the famous chicks he’s nailed! So, as you can see, he’s pretty easy to hate.
OF: Terrence Long. I was never much of a Terrence Long fan, but he really sealed his fate with the last at-bat of the 2003 ALDS. Striking out to end the game? That sucks! Going down looking?!? Even worse. Going down looking on a pitch that was basically identical to strike two?!? How can you even like yourself?
OF: Jim Edmonds. If A-Rod and Jeter were the first two guys I wrote down, Edmonds was the third. My dislike of Edmonds runs deep. I’ve always thought that Edmonds was a showboat, diving for balls that he didn’t really need to, just to make them look pretty. While he too is a great player, I’ve always thought that Edmonds was extremely overrated, and there was probably some vicarious jealousy for Mike Cameron that Edmonds got more love for his glove.
OF: Bobby Higginson. Higginson is just one of those guys that I dislike, but I’m not really sure why. I mean, he sucks, but that’s obvious. I guess it’s just that he’s way overpaid (averaging about $9 million the past three seasons for a .253/.340/.391 line over that period). By the way, he’s currently hitting .077/.111/.077, while raking in $8.85 million.
Rotation: Kenny Rogers, Andy Pettitte, Eric Milton, Russ Ortiz & Kirk Rueter. I dislike Kenny Rogers for a few reasons. One, he ruined my birthday party a few years ago, when he came into Safeco Field and shutout the M’s in April of 2002. I also dislike him because Jim Street (the Mariners writer for MLB.com) constantly compares Ryan Franklin to Kenny Rogers, stating absurd things like, “You would be surprised how much better pitchers can be with some run support. Just ask Kenny Rogers of the Rangers. His ERA was about the same as Mariners right-hander Ryan Franklin (4.76 to 4.90), and Rogers had an 18-9 record compared to Franklin's 4-16 record.” I’ve said this before and, unfortunately, I’m sure I’ll say it again: Pitchers aren’t better or worse because of run support. Sure, they might get more wins, but that doesn’t necessarily make them better. I don’t like Andy Pettitte because he was a Yankee for so long and…well, that’s reason enough! Eric Milton and Russ Ortiz can be grouped together because I think they’re two of the most overrated pitchers in the game. Why they make the big bucks is beyond me. Although he doesn’t bring in the green that Milton and Ortiz do, Kirk Rueter is kind of in the same boat, in that I’m surprised he’s employed. With those ears, maybe he’s just employed because he can hear across the field to the other dugout…
Bullpen: Troy Percival, Jose Mesa, Dan Kolb, Todd Jones, Billy Koch & Kevin Jarvis. Although I like the fact that Troy Percival drinks about 10 cups of coffee while he’s down in the bullpen (Uh oh…is that “performance enhancing?!?”), I just don’t like him as a pitcher. It’s probably the fact that he’s a Mariner killer (1.69 ERA with 24 saves in 50 games). Jose Mesa and Kevin Jarvis made the team because they sucked for the M’s (to varying degrees). Mesa was a great pitcher in the early and mid ‘90s, but really sucked during his time in Seattle (’99 and ’00). Jarvis was barely with the team last year, but that was all I had to see. Seriously, how does he still have a job? He’s a 35-year-old righty with a 5.93 career ERA! His VORP over the past three years goes from 2.4 in 2002 to -6.8 in 2003 and -7.6 last season. I dislike Dan Kolb because he gets hyped as a good pitcher because he accumulates saves (Kolb was an All-Star in 2004), but, in my book, if you pitch 50 innings and only strike out 21 guys, you really suck. Congratulations to Doug Melvin on “selling high!” Todd Jones isn’t just a piece of shit on the mound, he’s a piece of shit everywhere! If you don’t remember, Jones told the Denver Post that, “I wouldn't want a gay guy being around me,” Jones told the paper. “It's got nothing to do with me being scared. That's the problem: All these people say he's got all these rights. Yeah, he's got rights or whatever, but he shouldn't walk around proud. It's like he's rubbing it in our face. 'See me, hear me roar.' We're not trying to be close-minded, but then again, why be confrontational when you don't really have to be?” And finally, there’s Billy Koch. He made the team because he sucks, but he thinks he’s awesome.
Bench: Jeff Cirillo, Jason Phillips, Cristian Guzman, Scott Spiezio, Alex Sanchez & Willie Bloomquist. Jeff Cirillo made the team because I’m a Mariners fan, and we all know how that worked out… But, at least he’s not in a really crappy band. Seriously, Scott Spiezio sucks at baseball and music! What can this guy do well? Oh yeah…eat donuts. Jason Phillips basically made the team for those awful sunglasses. Who does this guy think he is, Bono? Jason, I was going to make this team “With or Without You,” but you made it! Guzman’s another guy I don’t like because he’s really overrated. Alex Sanchez didn’t make the squad because of the steriods thing. I couldn’t care less about that. No, Sanchez made the team because he bunts all the time. What a joke! Bloomquist is the unlucky 25th man. He’s kind of the mascot of this team, because so many guys are here because I think they’re undeservingly loved or valued, and no one is more undeservingly praised like WFB. Mariners fans love him because he’s local and hustles. So, he’s like David Eckstein and Eric Byrnes…except a lot worse.
Manager: Bob Melvin. Although I really dislike Dusty Baker, I dislike the guy the Mariners chose instead of him more. BoMel made my team because he’s the crappiest manager I’ve ever seen. He’s not a good evaluator of talent, he makes poor in-game decisions and he’s just too soft for my liking. Plus, he’s afraid of clowns. What a wimp!
General Manager: Kenny Williams. He’s made a few good moves, and you can’t really complain about the White Sox’s start this season, but I’m not too high on Kenny Williams. Except, I do like the fact that the Mariners got more for Freddy Garcia than the Royals got for Carlos Beltran. Thanks Kenny!
So, there you have it. Now you know my favorite and least favorite players in the game. Now, the only question is: Which team would win?