Bloomquist getting his inexplicable extension got my creative juices flowing and persuaded me to write parody lyrics to Chamillionaire’s song, “Ridin’.” Weird Al already spoofed this song, but here’s my version about Willie Bloomquist!

White n’ Dirty
They see me playin’
They hatin’
But stupid fans love me ‘cause I’m white n’ dirty
‘Cause I’m just so white n’ dirty
‘Cause I’m just so white n’ dirty
You know I’m always gettin’ dirty
Yeah, I’m just so white n’ dirty


My average’s so low
I’m swingin’
And missin...but I’m still white n’ dirty
‘Cause I’m just so white n’ dirty
'Cause I'm just so white n' dirty
You know I’m always gettin’ dirty
Yeah, I’m just so white n’ dirty


It’s impossible to keep my jersey clean
My average is so low it can hardly be seen
I had a field in my backyard when I was a teen
But giving me 250 At-bats is just obscene
I fill Kitsap County with glee
In ’99 I was a third-round draftee
Out of Arizona State Univ-er-sity
Barry Zito should be embarrassed by me


Yeah, I make fifth starters look like Halladay
But there isn’t a position I can’t play
The Ignitor’s the best Willie nickname since Say Hey
Can you believe I was on Team USA?
I’m signed through ‘08 and it’s quid pro quo
I hit in college, but I can’t as a pro
But I can steal a base because I’m not slow
Or just warm the bench for Ichiro, fo’ sho!


They see me hustlin’
I’m scrappy
And all the fans love me ‘cause I’m white n’ dirty
‘Cause I’m just so white n’ dirty
‘Cause I’m just so white n’ dirty
You know I’m always gettin’ dirty
Yeah, I’m just so white n’ dirty


I can ground out or fly out, but sac bunts – you know I collect ‘em
With a runner on first, you know I gotta advance him
It’s the little things that don’t show up in a box score
I get a toungebath from the local media
Stop editing my Wikipedia
Some fans think I can play really well
But if I play in front of a scout, I’ll have them ROTFLOL


I’ve got no business in the Major Leagues
But on 9-1-02 I got the call
I hit .455 but the sample size was small
And Jarrod Washburn’s now my dogg, yo
My baseball skills are a little whack
Would I be this popular if I was black?
If the game is close, you better hope my bat stays in the rack
Pop, Pop…damn fly outs to the warning track!
(and Rizzs just had a heart attack!)


I’m scrappy in the extreme
Clutch just like David Ortiz
If you need a sub, then I’m your scrub
And I was voted “Worst Player in MLB”
The only pitcher I didn’t think was hard
Is Barry Zito, who I twice took yard
An extra-base hit for me is rare
Guys in Tacoma know my salary’s unfair


Another 0 for 4
With three strikeouts
But it’s OK ‘cause I’m white n’ dirty
‘Cause I’m just so white n’ dirty
‘Cause I’m just so white n’ dirty
You know I’m always gettin’ dirty
Yeah, I’m just so white n’ dirty


My average’s so low
I’m swingin’
And missin...but I’m still white n’ dirty
‘Cause I’m just so white n’ dirty
'Cause I'm just so white n' dirty
You know I’m always gettin’ dirty
Yeah, I’m just so white n’ dirty